My Private Beach

Time to move

2005-04-23T17:28:00.000+02:00

Well, it's time for me to move. See, I've had this domain that I bought a while ago and paid for it to be hosted. But I never really used it much. I figured since it's paid for and sitting there, it's time to kiss Blogger & it's down times goodbye, and try it out there. Right now I'm not really happy with the setup, it will be changing in the future, you can count on that. But, I won't be posting here any longer.
So, here's my new place:
Merely Me

The gift I didn't get

2005-04-21T23:17:00.000+02:00

When it comes to spiritual gifts, many different Christians have different lists as to what exactly those gifts are. No offense to anyone, but I'd have to say the time I heard someone say that carpentry was their spiritual gift I just couldn't wrap my mind around that. It just seems obvious to me that that is a skill, and it's not spiritual.

For anyone wondering, when you're born again, born into God's kingdom, He gives you a gift. You could think of it like a spiritual birthday gift on your spiritual birthday. Thing is, you don't usually know what it is right off the back. It takes some time and maturing to find it. Much like a brand new baby that's given an easel and paints. That baby has all the tools it needs to make a masterpiece, but it'll take a little time for the baby to figure out how to paint it.

I don't think any Christian would deny that mercy is a spiritual gift. But it's come to my attention lately that this is one gift I definitely lack. If it's your first time to 'fall down' so to say, then I'll be right by your side. I'll give you my hand and help you up. I'll brush off your bruises, give you a band aid, and offer my support as you continue on your way. But if you turn around and trip over that same rock you just tripped over, then forget it. You're more likely to get a "Well I told you not to do that again!" type speech from me while I throw my hands in the air and walk away.

Just ask my children. My five year old daughter especially is such a klutz. We'll tell her not to do something, she'll do it anyway, and I just laugh. If you're going to insist on learning the hard way, then okay, go ahead, but you're not going to get any sympathy from me.

Here's the problem, I think sometimes my lack of mercy comes across as uncaring. I know I've done my fair share of screw ups over and over and over again. To many too list honestly! I completely understand that it's human nature to mess up in the same area consistently. Especially when it comes to areas that our sinful flesh is weak against. I don't even take mercy upon myself. I usually give myself a "Well stupid, you should have known better!" speech, and be on my way. Most likely just to give myself that same speech a few months later. (What can I say, I can be dense sometimes.)

As God's children we are called to forgive more than we could count and be joyful doing so. We're told to have mercy on the lost, and with our brothers and sisters. We're to love others as Christ loved us. But when Christ was loving people, he didn't just pat them on the back, say "Nice try, now be on your way." No, he rebuked them. He says "Now go, and sin no more." We are to have mercy, but we are also not to roll over God's truth and turn a blind eye.

I don't know, I guess I'm having a hard time finding the balance here. I definitely need to be praying for my understanding and growth in this area. Anybody have any comments about mercy that they'd like to share?

A cool sunset

2005-04-21T14:41:00.000+02:00

First off a big thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Soon life will be back to normal. Well, normal for us anyway.

Thought I'd share my favorite pic that he came back with. I may share several more over the next few weeks.

You can click on it to see it larger.

Today started with car hunting. Needless to say he misses his speed machine he sold, and I think we'll be looking for a while. The kids are just happy to have daddy back, even my baby. We're just being pretty relaxed. I'll be back to my normal posting soon. Ya'll can't get rid of me that easy. :)

6 hours and counting

2005-04-20T07:51:00.000+02:00

For the first time in ages, my children were sleeping in this morning. Then the phone rings at 7:30. Wouldn't it figure! Such is my luck. But I'm not mad because it was the rear detachment commander letting us know that our guys should be inbound. We're all to gather and wait this afternoon. Yay!

Chick Chat

2005-04-19T21:07:00.000+02:00

Here's today's Chick Chat .

Vacation...
1. Where Do You Visit The Most On Vacation?
Vacation? Ha ha ha ha. What the hell is a vacation? The dictionary tells me what it is, but I am as of yet to experience it.

2. What's Your Idea Of A Dream Vacation?
Well, I would say a day on a beach, Jamaica or some place warm and exotic like that. However, being post children (four to be exact!) that is no longer true. I would like to travel Europe. See Paris and London.

3. Ever Been To Disney World or Disneyland?
Been to Disneyland when I was younger. Lived in Arizona, so it wasn't all that far to go. One thing is for sure. The amusement parks that I've been to here in Germany blow the American one's out of the water. No compitition.

4. What Has Been Your Favorite Vacation So Far?
lol Repeat the answer to number one.

5. Have You Taken A Cruise?
No, but this is a dream of mine. Hubby and I got married very young and poor. We did not have a honeymoon. I had said that I wanted to take one for our one year anniversary. Well, debt happened. Then I said our five year anniversary, well, babies happened. Then I said our ten year anniversary! That's this June, and it isn't gonna happen. What should I aim for now? 20? 50? lol

Another day come and gone

2005-04-17T21:29:00.000+02:00

Well, here it is, the end of another day. I'm still struggling to be content with the church God has me at. It really is like picking the least of the awfuls. I know that God will bring me into a group of true believers in His time, but the waiting is getting hard.

On a good note, I got an e-mail from my husband today letting me know that they finally got permission to leave. So now they get to wait to catch a flight out. I'm guestimating a week or so, and he should be back. Hip-hip-hooray!

I've spent a lot of time lately on self reflection. I think of where I once was in my walk with Christ, and where I have found myself to be now. From time to time I may feel compelled to share some of my lessons learned here. Who knows, maybe in some weird way God will use it. After all, he does do miricles. Most likely it will just help to hold me accountable. Who knows? Anyhow, it wouldn't hurt right?

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." - Matthew 6:25

This verse is most often used regarding money, because in the passage it's used Jesus is referring to money as the other master. However, I believe this actually applies to all areas. After all, not everyone serves money. For a little while, I have been putting myself under the microscope. As humans, it is in our nature to just shrug things off. Our words say one thing, but our actions say another. Our words show what our head knows to be the 'right' answer. But our actions are the window to our heart. What we actually live out day to day shows what we truly believe. Would you care to dissect this verse with me?

"No one can serve two masters."
A master is defined as "one who has control over". So we must ask... What has control over me? How is my time spent? What dictates my day, and my actions? Who or what do I ultimately serve? Is it Jesus? Are you busy about the tasks that He has given you?

"Either he will hate the one and love the other,"
There is no serving two masters. It's either Jesus, or not Jesus. It's as simple as that. This Greek word translated hate here, is a very strong hate. Strong's Concordance renders it "detest" . If you're not loving Jesus, then you are living to detest Him.

"or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
This makes us ask again, what are we devoted to? What activity, or pursuit, cause or person do we give our time, our attention, ourselves to?

I will be the first to admit, that sometimes our bondage comes without us even noticing. Sometimes our bondage is to a very note worthy, good cause. But I ask you to take a self evaluation. Look at your life, not through rose colored glasses, but with honesty. After all, you may be able to fool yourself, and those around you, but there is no fooling the All Mighty God.

Look and see what master are you serving? If you've stopped serving the Lord as I had, take courage, and action. You can't get back the time you've lost, but you can most certainly do something about the time a head of you.

Are you always tired or worn out? No energy or drive. It very well may be because you're serving the wrong master. Jesus promises us rest if we will obey him. We have to do our part. We have to obey before we can receive the rest and refreshment He offers. Having been on both sides, more than once, or twice for that matter, I can personally attest that It is so much better on Jesus' side.

That's enough!

2005-04-16T20:50:00.000+02:00

Today's Saturday Slant is a good one. It asks "When was enough, enough?" (I highly recommend you read it, as this quote doesn't do it justice.)

This one is really hard for me. I am typically very gentle, quiet, and mild. I've never been in an actual physical fight. I'm very good at swallowing my comments, taking the crud, and just turning around. I suppose this is a very good thing, as being a military wife, you have lots of crud to put up with. When I do reach that boiling point I run to my Lord with the hurt, pain, and anger instead of pushing back at the source of it.

I sat for a long time, trying to recall a time where I had just finally had it. There was that time I quit because my manager was an unbelievable ...... well, I can't say it, cause I'm trying to 'tame my tongue'. But I don't think that really qualifies for what was asked for. Plenty of times I've reached the end of my rope with my children, but I just send them to bed, and that's taken care of. Hmm.... I'm going to have to dig really deep for this one.

The one time that comes to mind happened a long, long, long time ago. I want to estimate I was in the fourth grade or there about. See, I was never a popular one in school. The only way I was popular is that everyone loved to pick on the poor little white girl. (That would be me.) Especially on the bus, or at the bus stop. I got good at looking out the window, or just quickly walking away. All the while trying my best to not let tears come to my eyes. Then when I'd get home I'd ball for a good while. My parents would tell me to "just ignore them" or "laugh at them". Yeah, all easier said than done. It doesn't work.

Then there was this one girl, Kathy. Oh that girl got under my skin like no other. She lived two streets down from me. When the bus would drop us off at the end of the day, she always had to get in a few jabs. She loved to terrorize me with her names and such. Then the verbal attacks gave way to pebbles and rocks being thrown at me. She wasn't a very good aim, and for the most part she'd miss or hit my lower legs. I could walk fast and get home soon enough.

Then came the day. She had made something in art class. It was clay that had been hardened in the kiln. She must have decided that terrorizing me was more important than her project, because she broke it and started to throw it's pieces at me. While clutching my books, and yelling at her to stop, she was behind me laughing all the while and flinging pieces of it at me. Then I felt it.

A sharp edge had nailed me right in the back of the head and damn did it hurt. Without even thinking, I slammed my books to the ground, quickly turned around on one heel and stared her down. Even though it was all merely seconds, I can recall the whole thing in slow motion as if it was on a sitcom on television. The other children staring at me absolutely speechless. I could feel the anger raise up inside me, my cheeks burned as I started to walk towards her. As my fist formed and clenched tighter and tighter, I calculated every move I'd make in my head. I was determined to sock her, and I was going to sock her good.

I don't recall having actually said anything, but maybe I did. All I remember is the look of absolute fear on her face as she started screaming. She jolted right past me, yelling someone's name. Suddenly disappointment and relief both flooded over me. On one hand I really did want to hit her good. On the other, at least now I wouldn't get in trouble.

I went back to pick up my books, just to see her aunt coming around the corner. And oh, was she pissed at me. She was yelling at me and calling me names. I usually had a lot of respect for adults, but I told her to shut up. I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth. I had a gut feeling I'd get punished for it, but I didn't care. It was worth it to me. As she had one arm wrapped around Kathy who was clinging to her side, she swore up and down she was going to talk to my parents. I made damn sure to tell my parents my side of the story first thing when I got home. I figured the punishment would be lesser if they heard it from me first.

That whole afternoon doing my chores in the yard, I kept looking at the road awaiting the messenger of doom. But it turned out that her Aunt never came by, and I never got punished. Kathy stopped picking on me, and it was a long while before the other kids started back up. And to think I never actually touched her.

Being all grown up and looking back on it I can't help but wonder a few things. Kathy had a weight problem, she lived with her grandma and aunt in a small mobile home. I suspect there were some major family issues. I can't help but wonder what pain she was trying to take out on me.

To this day I'm glad I've never actually gotten into a fight. I do want my husband to teach my children how to fight. As long as they don't start conflicts, I want them to be able to end them. If I had known how to stand my ground, I probably would have done it earlier and had far less pain growing up. But then again, all my experiences have led me to who I am today. I'm rather content with that.

So far, so good

2005-04-15T18:31:00.000+02:00

Today has been great. The weather is absolutely beautiful, and my oldest two have spent most of the day outside. I finally have re-established e-mail communication with my friend, and my husband called. The poor soul. You see he's the type of man that absolutely must have something to do. He can't 'just relax' unless he's sleeping. He told me that him and the guys are going to come down with a new disorder. "Post traumatic boredom Syndrome" lol

Go figure, only the army could strand a bunch of guys that actually want to work. But when he wants some vacation days he can't get them. I'll never understand this screwy system.

Anyhow, the car hunt is on. We had sold his car anticipating the year deployment, now that he's coming back we need a new one. Given our time to save was cut short by ten months, we really don't have much money. I came across a nice '89 Opel Vectra. Blue, sunroof, power locks, power windows, low mileage. At $1500 I could scrape the money together to buy it. But, it's an automatic, and my husband refuses to own anything but a standard. He loves speed, and he loves to rev up a stick shift. So, it's out of the question. He's so picky, I'm just gonna get him a junker, I swear!

What I'd really like to get him is a truck. Back before children, we had a really nice Dodge Dakota. It was dressed up just enough to not be too flashy. We both loved that truck, and I even won my first 'light race' in it. When we found out our oldest child was on the way we sold it to help get out from underneath the huge debt we had racked up in our youth. He's gone through a lot of crap these last few years and I'd love to get him a nice truck. I don't want to get another loan though, we're trying to get out of debt, not crawl back into it. I wonder though, if I get him a nice truck, can we leave my van here and get a new one when we get back to the states? That would be nice. :)

Friday Feast

2005-04-15T07:46:00.000+02:00

Here is today's Friday Feast .

Appetizer
What was your first "real" job?
My dad had me working mobile homes since I was a little thing. Then he added the race car to my to-do list. But I never got paid much for any of that, so I suppose it doesn't count as a "real" job. So, it would have to be the fast food joint Jack in the Box. I worked there for over a year. Was the youngest person to ever be given a position in management. Then one day we were short two people, we got slammed (fast food talk meaning all business came in at once) and someone came through with a gun. Needless to say our service slowed to a crawl. The police were trying to question me. Then the next day the manager had a 'talk' with me about the shotty service. She didn't seem to care about the gun or the police. So I quit.

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?
Out to no man's land. I like to just be in nature. No cars, no phones, no worries. To take time and notice all of God's creation.

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when...
my children throw fits in a public place. My three year old loves to do this to me.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?
Hard work. I was always working hard. That if you're gonna do a job, you better do it right. And to be self-sustained. Don't need no help from no body. That one has caused me some grief later on in life. It's important to realize that you can't do everything by yourself. And that there's no shame in needing a little help from time to time.

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.
Ha ha! Well, I was an 80's kid. So there was lots of them.
1. Cuffing the jeans. I'll never forget my parents yelling at me to do my pants 'normal'. So I did, but as soon as I was on that school bus they were cuffed.
2. Arms full of bangle bracelets. I loved the click-clack noise when I'd move my arm.
3. Off the shoulder cut sweater. Oh, I wanted one of them so bad. I would wear my regular clothes with one shoulder peeking out. My step mom hated it and was always yelling at me for ruining my clothes. Now that I'm a mom, I understand why. :)
4. (yeah, I know, it only asked for three, but I'm on a roll!) And the hair!! Who can forget about girl's hair making them look several inches taller? The mass hairspray tangled mess. Oh, the good old days.

Well.... it is spring afterall

2005-04-14T21:26:00.000+02:00

Hip hip hooray! Spring seems to finally be here. I'm so very glad. This winter was very long and very cold. Okay, so all of Germany's winters are that way, but still.

It's been so beautiful outside. My oldest two have been going out to play in the front yard for a few hours each day. It's nice to have all that noise outside for a little while. But there have been some disturbing events.

A neighbor of ours has three girls. I would estimate the oldest to be just a little bit older than my son, if not the same age. Well, that girl will not leave my son alone. She will do anything and everything to pick on him. We have always taught my son to not hit girls, so he usually doesn't do anything to retaliate. But I paid closer attention to day. And I think I know what it is.

She likes him. I mean, she LIKES him. Why else would she constantly poor dirt on his head, hit him with the basketball, and drag him around by his arm? That's why she's constantly coming up and asking "Can your son come play?" (Notice, she doesn't even mention my daughter!)

Yeah, that little girl has the hots for my son. And I don't like it! He's my son! God gave him to me! She best get her grubby little hands off of him! Okay, okay, so I'm not quite that deranged. But still, it brings a smile to my face but a sadness in my heart. Another sign that he's growing up. The funny thing is he's clueless about the whole thing. Innocently ignorant. I hope to keep it that way for at least another 10-20 years. :)

In other news...
Who knows when the hubby will make it home. It still baffles me that they're making 10 guys stay somewhere that they have absolutely no job to do, and will probably loose their minds. I'm doing okay with it. Now if he had been gone a year, and then this hold up happened, then I would be slightly more than pissed. But it's only been two months, so I can handle it. I just pray that he can too!

On a personal note... Jeni... if you happen to read this. I sent you two e-mails today. One through my normal one, and I created a hotmail account to see if that helps. Please know, I have not been ignoring you. I've sent you several e-mails. But I guess you're not getting them. I still haven't gotten anything back. I don't know what's up with e-mail. And it's got me mad. If you're still not getting any of my e-mail, maybe try creating a free one somewhere and I'll try to mail there? I don't know what else to do?

Okay, well, I'm off for now. Gonna find something to eat. :)

The waiting game

2005-04-13T21:38:00.000+02:00

Ha ha ha. I knew it was too good to be true. Turns out some official that isn't even part of our unit isn't letting our guys go. The commander is apparently fighting it, but there's only so much he can do. I know my husband, being stuck with absolutely nothing to do will get to him. He's the type that always has to be accomplishing something. My poor man. But, this is the Army worse has been known to happen.

Well, unlike my husband, the kids and I were perfectly content with not accomplishing much of anything today. Today was a self proclaimed lazy day. It's been nice. Tomorrow is back to normal. lol Whatever that is. :)

Chick Chat

2005-04-13T08:05:00.000+02:00

Here's this week's Chick Chat

Livin' On The Edge!
(The title reminds me of an Aerosmith song)
1. Do You Wear Your Seatbelt In The Car?:
Always!

2. Got Any tattoos?:
Nope. I have always wanted something small, like a rose or butterfly on my ankle, or back of my shoulder. But I'm too chicken to put up with the pain.

3. Done Anything Illegal?:
If you count going the wrong way on a one way road. Yeah. Before everyone starts yelling at me for being a bad driver, I was 16, and was lost!

4. Had Sex In A Public Place?:
Oh my goodness, what a question! I'm going to plead the fifth. So only my hubby and I know the answer to that one. :)

5. Stay Up Past Midnight On A Regular Basis?:
Not usually by choice, but I do stay up much later than I ought to.

Up & down & all around

2005-04-12T21:08:00.000+02:00

Today has been what I can only label as a roller coaster day. I've been up, down, and all around.

Today started great. Homeschool went like a breeze. That was my first up.

Then the kids decided to see how far they could push the rules over and over. That was a down.

Then I got a good phone call. Turns out when soldiers deploy here the company can get vehicle registrations extended for a year for the family. You have to understand that here, to get your registration renewed every year, it has to be thoroughly inspected. Last year my van failed because the spare tire had too many cracks in it's side wall. So yeah, that was a pretty good up.

Then my husband called. He's in Bagram, working on getting home. If weather and planes and everything else cooperates he should be home at the end of the week. That was a waaaaaay up.

Then I check e-mail and my day just nose dives. Straight down into the ground. Someone who was once a good friend believes I'm capable of such things that just boggles my mind. I really don't know what's going on. I don't know if Satan is having a field day with us, or God's just trying to get us each to move on to a new season of our life. I don't know, but it sure hurts like hell. I never thought I could hurt so much over someone I wasn't married to.

But I know that life will go on. This is just a section of the wacky rollercoaster of life. There will be so many more ups and downs. And it will end like none other, with being in His presence. I'm just so thankful that I have God's arms wrapped around me to keep me safe until then. :)

Getting the big picture.

2005-04-11T21:45:00.000+02:00

I've started to realize a few things today. I've become very narrow visioned. I think my time all spent at home, and not getting out much has caused me to have a type of tunnel vision.

I added a new link today. :) It amazes me at how God works. I read this gentleman's blog, and all of the blogs he had links too. And I found myself in awe. Being over here in Germany where Christianity is nothing but a religion, I've lost site of the bigger picture. (If my "nothing but a religion" has you baffled, I'll be more than happy to explain. Just leave me a note!) I've lost site of all the wonders God is working all over the world. I've gotten so caught up in the here and the now, that I've forgotten just how big He really is. I've had to just sit and be in awesome amazement for a while. And trust me, I don't shut up all that easily!

I'm not sure why God has me here. I won't even pretend to have a clue. I can make lots of guesses, but that's all they'd be. I've been doing that for more than a year now. Trying to figure out God's plan. But today I've come to the realization that that's my problem. Why do I need to know? I need to stop worrying about the ride ahead of me. I need to start enjoying the here and now. And that's what I'm vowing to do.

I think it's like a long road trip and I'm the little kid in the back asking "Are we there yet?" If I would just shush, enjoy the view, and relax, the destination will get here all that much sooner. So, I'm shushing. I'll let you know when I get there. :)

On a completely different topic, I got some news today. It appears that my husband and roughly eight other guys are starting their journey home today. When it comes to the Army, this trip can take two days, or it could take a month. So I'm not counting my chickens quite yet. But in a weird sort of way, I feel like I cheated. We were prepared for a year separation, and we got a few months. It just feels really weird and a bit unreal. In a weird sort of way, most of the guys don't feel right about it either. The soldiers all want to do their time, their part to help out, serve with their brothers. They feel as if that has been stolen from them.

I'll never understand us humans.

Infinitely grateful, all too forgetful

2005-04-10T22:06:00.000+02:00

These last few days have just been awesome. I am so ashamed of the woman I was becoming. Since moving here to Germany, I have been unable to find a church home. I want one that's actually alive, and preaches the gospel. It is so hard to find here. Everything is deeply rooted in tradition. Sure, there's a church building on every corner, but that's all they are. Empty buildings.

Anyhow, do to life happenings, I've returned to where I belong. To the feet of my Abba. And it's amazing how He heals hurts, and restores broken lives. I can't believe I've gone so long without seeking Him. Don't get me wrong, I've been going to church weekly, and women's study nearly weekly. But they're so weak here. Today's chapel was just a bunch of stories all put together. So tonight I went on the Internet and visited my old church's site. (I'll be linking to it ASAP, blogger permitting.)

I listened to my old pastor, and wow, what conviction. I think that's what I'm going to do for now on. Do two churchs on Sunday. The one in the morning, really for my children. They enjoy the children's church, and they actually have a decent program. Then at night after bed time, I'll do church for momma. Listen, get fed, edified. It's just amazing the difference Jesus makes. And I am so glad I've returned to where I belong. With Him.

Now if I can just not forget how wonderful it is to be seeking Him. Don't get me wrong. Things still go wrong. My oldest and I got "involved" today when he decided to spit water on his sister's face. That is just not allowed in this house. But you know, God gave me the words and the wisdom to use with my son. So many struggles I've gone through, I haven't properly relied on my Lord. I'm so stupid. lol No comments on that now. :p

Scary Saturday Slant

2005-04-09T19:42:00.000+02:00

Today's Saturday Slant asks us to recall the most scariest moment in the last two years. Well, first to come to mind is the scare I had just a few days ago involving the military helicopter crash in Afghanistan. But since I've already blogged about that, I'll treat it as not applicable.

So the next thing that comes to mind is my three year old son. Not that he himself is scary, although he does have his moments. But I'm talking about how it seems his life's mission is to give me a heart attack. I am so thankful that the first son God gave me is fairly mellow. I'm not sure I'd be able to handle a real "boy's boy" my first shot through motherhood.

Let's remember now, I live in a foreign country, and this was a while back. We were at my oldest's soccer practice, and my just turned three year old was being a typical three year old boy. He really enjoys running around & making car noises. Not only engines revving, but more often crash noises. That boy loves to crash. And then he did.

He tripped and fell head first into the metal bleachers. You know the type, tons of sharp edges, generally an accident waiting to happen. He hit his head above his right eye. His face was covered in blood, I quickly grabbed my bottle water to rinse his head to see what I was dealing with. Some innocent part of me wanted it to be superficial. He's my baby boy, how could he be hurt all that bad?

I saw his skull.

I'm not one with a weak stomach. Blood, vomit, all that doesn't bother me. But this was my son, my three year old baby. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I didn't know where the hospital was, and I've never dealt with something like this before. Sure, I was a tomboy, but I've never broken a bone, never mind spew blood all over the place.

It was like Auto pilot took over. Another parent gave my son and I a ride to the hospital, while someone else stayed with my other three children until my husband could get there. Wouldn't you know it, that boy was done crying before we got him in the car. He was acting really sleepy. I knew I couldn't let him go to sleep so I started talking to him, trying to keep him awake. I asked him "Was it fun to crash?" His timid little "No" came out. Then I asked "Are you going to do that again?" An excited boyish "YES!" came bouncing back at me. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief as I laughed. He's definitely going to be the end of me.

So we got to the hospital, and people are just looking at him. Kind folks asking him questions in German and he just stares back at them. The bleeding had stopped a while back and now he just had this awful looking hole on his forehead. His head and hands were stained with blood. He kept asking me to clean his hands. Over and over "My hands durty mommy." Wouldn't it figure, a boy who doesn't like his hands dirty. A hole in the head he's fine with, but he doesn't like his hands dirty.

This is a picture I took that night. It happened to be my husband's birthday. My son enjoyed the icecream.

He ended up getting four old fashioned stitches. The Dr. said it was too deep to do glue or staples. The nurses were shocked at how well he handled it all. He barely cried for them at all. He's such a trooper. And wouldn't you know it, in the six months or so since then, he's fallen and hit his head in the same spot at least four times. He's going to have a permanent bump, I swear.

So I can now officially, proudly wear the badge of being the mother of a boy.

Just Chillin'

2005-04-08T20:32:00.000+02:00

I know, I share a lot of pictures of my baby. One would get the impression that she's my only child or something. No, she is my number four, but she is one of a kind.

Before the child protection services come knocking on my door, she is not stuck in that picture. I had sat her up properly twice, and after each time, she quickly returned to that position. She wanted to be like that.

I don't know what it is with her, she is just something else. Once upon a time I had wondered, how on earth could this baby be much different from it's siblings. They all come from the same mother and father. I mean, how many combinations are there? But then God gave me this little girl. She just defies explanation.

My mom says she's just like me, but I'm not buying it. I couldn't have been that much of a handful, nor that cute. Lately she's made it clear that she has no intentions of sharing mommy. Her brother will come over to hug on me, and she'll start screaming at him and pushing him away. We had nicknamed her princess, but a friend was much wiser. I'll never forget her words...
"Princess? Hell no, she's past princess. That there is diva!
I couldn't have said it better.

Dang Blogger!!

2005-04-08T16:59:00.000+02:00

Blogger doesn't want to work. What else is new. Guess I can't complain, it is a free service after all.

Here's today's Friday's Feast .

Appetizer - What is a symbol that inspires you?
The cross. Helps me remember just what Christ has done for me, and just how undeserving I am.

Soup - Name something (either serious or funny) that has happened in your life that you would consider a miracle.
You'd have to see the scene. We're living in a tiny dump of an apartment in a dangerous part of Tucson Arizona. My husband is in Alabama where the Army is screwing us over and keeping him away from us for a year instead of 3 months like it was supposed to be. His brother is staying with us because he is going through a bad time in his life and now gets to fight cancer. So, three adults, and three kids all living off of my poor husband's piddly military paycheck. There's more than a week before payday and I only have $50 to spend on groceries. $50 to get food to get two grown ups, and three children through more than a week. Yeah, this should be fun. So, I'm going up and down the aisle with my then three little ones wondering how on earth am I going to do this, and keeping a very close eye on prices. I'm in the second to last aisle, and a man approaches me, and hands me something. He says "Excuse me, you look like you could use this." I look at it, and it's a $25 gift card for groceries. I told him thank you very much, and he had no idea how thankful I am. So I back track a few aisles to get a few other things I had wanted, but couldn't get. Then a few minutes later that same man comes up behind me again and says "Look what I found!" and he handed me another. God had doubled my money then and there. He took care of me and I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the day. He is awesome and He will take care of His children.

Salad - How do you handle criticism?
Not very well. I get defensive pretty easily.

Main Course - Complete this sentence: I feel alone when...
I feel alone most of the time. Even if I'm surrounded by people they don't really know me, and I feel alone. The exception is when I finally crawl on to my Abba's lap.

Dessert - Name one TV show you wouldn't want to be caught dead watching.
lol I don't watch hardly any TV. Our TV is used for movies and PS2 games. Right now is Pooh Bears Honey pot adventures. :)

A Scooby-Doo type of day

2005-04-07T17:43:00.000+02:00

Today is my oldest's seventh birthday. This is a picture of him enjoying a gift he got today.

Man, it's surprisingly hard for me to say that he's seven. I don't know why, but seven sounds so much older than six. He's so into scooby doo it's insane. This morning he wanted breakfast out so we went out and got BK breakfast. Then headed to the Bookmark to rent a movie. Of course he rented a scooby-doo movie. Then to the PX. My pictures STILL aren't in. I just have this achey gut feeling that they lost them. Those were Easter & baby's first birthday pictures. I'm gonna be a little upset if they did lose them. Then we got my sons balloons blown up, and bought his icecream cake. Hard to believe I spent so much money on this boy. He seems to have really enjoyed his special day. Unfortunately he's unlikely to get a phone call from his dad. With the crash that happened, they'll be unable to make personal phone calls for a few days.

I've fallen asleep on the couch a lot today. I think the history of staying up too late, my baby up several times a night, and the emotional hole I've been in has taken it's toll. But, it's all gonna be alright. I'm hoping to catch up on much needed sleep tonight, and then tomorrow we are tackling this place. If we succeed in cleaning it up enough to be presentable, then I'm hoping to get a sitter for Saturday so I can head out of here and catch a movie with no kids in tow. I know, that's a really lofty goal. lol Not sure I'll attain it.

Thursday Threesome

2005-04-07T11:44:00.000+02:00

Here are today's Thursday Threesome .

1. Blue... blue birds singing... what kind of birds say "Spring" to you?
Any really. I'm not a bird expert, but I love to hear the music of birds. God's great creation is all around, and too often I am too 'busy' to notice the simple, beautiful things.

2. bonnet... what causes get a real "bee" in your bonnet?
Well, there's quite a few different things. Different ones at different times. Today's would be people's reaction when they see me out and about with my four children. I am so sick of people saying "Oh, my! You poor woman!" Uh, no! Would I have these four blessings if I didn't want them? No I wouldn't. I'm tired of people taking pity on me because I choose to be a mom.

3. days.... and what do spring Days bring and mean to you?
Lately, no more snow!!! No more taking an hour to get everyone bundled up and someone realizing they need to go potty as we're on our way out the door. Sunshine, walks, playing in the grass. Those are all beautiful, welcomed, yearned for parts of spring. Have I mentioned that it's been raining non stop for the last two days?

Sickening Relief

2005-04-06T21:41:00.000+02:00

Dang, I just can't seem to stay off of here today. Oh well.

Today I got to experience what I would call the second worst feeling a military spouse could ever have. See, my hubby called yesterday. That was awesome. And he told me that they are working on coming home. Which was a bit of a surprise for me, seeing as he left about a month and a half ago. But I'm not going to complain! I didn't want to say anything to family, because the Army has been known to go back on it's word. I was just gonna sit on it and wait.

Then I visited MSN's News site today. Headline:

"U.S. copter crash in Afghanistan kills 16"

My heart jumps. Click on that link real quick to read that two Chinook helicopters went down in eastern Afghanistan when they were on the way to Bagram. Oh my Lord God no. That is my husband's mode of transportation there, and the first place they'd go on their way out is Bagram. I am not at privy to know exactly where he is, but I do know he's on the eastern side of Afghanistan. Okay, time to calm down.

If something was wrong, I'd know by now, right? They tell the families first, right? Keep reading....."Military has not released identities yet." Oh, my good Lord, no. Start praying. (Yeah, I know, I'm a nut case.) About an hour later, my FRG leader calls. A million thoughts run through my mind. This has to be a good thing right? I mean, if my husband was one of them 16, she wouldn't be calling, a chaplain would be knocking on my door instead. She just wanted to let me know that she heard from the Luitenant and all of our guys are okay. Big sigh of relief, and a small tear of joy. I thanked her for calling and she had to finish calling everyone else.

Then the sickness hits me. No, this was not my husband. Nope, our guys are okay. But those were somebodyelse's "guys". Someone else isn't getting a phone call, rather, they're getting a visit. How can I be happy and relieved that the guys that died weren't our own? Someone else is out there walking the room cause they haven't heard anything yet, or they're crying in disbelief as a chaplain tries to console them. How dare I be relieved at someoneelse's expense.

Like I said, the second worst feeling a military wife could have. Some poor wives, mothers, fathers out there, are experiencing the first.

My fall from favor

2005-04-06T17:43:00.000+02:00

I've been sitting, stewing on this for a long while. The better judgement in me says this is totally off limits. I can't possibly write about this, because I fear I'll hurt a dear friend. But I have no where else to go with it. Afterall, I created this blog to let out hurts, and joys. Might as well use it.

I can't believe how torn up my stomach has been all day. I haven't accomplished much of anything. Today has consisted of Bible reading (lots of it), playing with kids, and waiting.

It amazes me how things can turn ugly so quickly. See, I quit a game. I quit it because I was allowing it to take over my life. A good friend took me quiting as a declaration of her being ungodly. I never once accused her of anything, yet she felt the need to defend every action she's ever done, or hasn't done in the game. So I'm baffled. We have been so close for two years. Two years of sharing our deepest secrets. Two years of running to eachother for comfort, and understanding. I've shared everything with her, and instantly over a game I'm no longer her friend. At least according to her blog. She removed me from her list of friends. Any links that our blogs had in common are now gone. As to say not only am I completely unacceptable, so is anything that I have to do with. I can't put into words how much this hurts.
I will applaud her for letting me know she got my e-mail sharing how clueless I am. And I will also applaud her for saying she's not writing me back right now. At least I know where it stands. It would have been a lot easier for her to tell me to get lost, than to wait a while before writing.

It has me wondering why. I have a few ideas. Maybe God is allowing this good thing to be taken from me. After all, our friendship has been nothing less than a blessing. I'll never deny that. But maybe God got tired of being replaced. I always ran to her to share my hurts. I ran to her when I was mad at the world, I ran to her when I was overjoyed. Maybe God is allowing this very good part of my life to be ripped out, because it was replacing the best, Him.

Whatever comes of it, so be it. I don't make friends easily. Besides my husband, she's been my only true friend since leaving highschool ten years ago. I don't normally open up, because I've been hurt so many times. You'd think I would have learned my lesson, but no, I had to open up to her. And you know, if she does decide to tell me to get lost, I don't regret our friendship. Not one bit. All this pain I'm going through will never out weigh the highs and lows we've been through together. I don't regret our friendship one bit. Just wish she felt the same way.

Nuff Said

2005-04-06T11:55:00.000+02:00

Just had to share this pic. My baby's expression shows how I'm feeling. Some times it scares me to think of how much we are alike.

Pizza

2005-04-06T08:37:00.000+02:00

This weeks Chick Chat is all about Pizza!

1. Favorite Topping?: Believe it or not, Ham and Pineapple. I used to say "ewww" at the thought of it, but once I tried it, I loved it.

2. Ever Had Anchovies?: Ewww!! NO! lol

3. Do You Like Extra Sauce?: Depends on the place, usually there's enough. If I'm gonna have extra anything, it'll be cheese. :)

4. Domino's or Pizza Hut?: If I had a choice (cause there's not much choice here) it would be Domino's all the way.

5. Do You Eat The Crust?: When I have a little one, no, because I give my crust to them to chew on. But if there's no little one around, then yup!

In the funnel

2005-04-05T20:02:00.000+02:00

Damn my head is just spinning circles right now. I have been through a whirlwind since my husband left, and I'm not sure when I get to make touchdown.

So many people on the outside look at me and say "You're so strong", but what they don't realize is that they don't really know me. They see the outside, the hard shell that I put up. Inside I'm really rather fragile, and lately I feel like someone has taken the hammer to me. I know exactly what has brought on that hammer.
Me.
My disobedience.
Me putting other things before the Lord.

It has had many, many faces, but I've been doing it for a long while. When I say "I'd rather play my game all night then spend time with you Lord." That's like I've slapped my Lord in the face. When I say "I'm not going to do the job you've asked me to do Lord, I'm gonna lay here and feel sorry for myself." It's another cold back turned to Him. And then when I find myself in the midst of a depression, pretending to be someone I'm not. Finding all my fun and pleasure in things of the world when I haven't spent time with my Lord first, well, no wonder I'm struggling to get up in the morning. No wonder I feel like just letting everything go to crap. I've turned my back on my first love, my Lord. And then when I finally say to myself "HEY!! You!! Get your act together girl!" When I look at what I have been worshiping, I take action to rip it out of my life, I get slapped again. But I know what it is.

It's a test. A test to see if I really mean it. Am I really willing to go through pain to get right with my Lord? Am I really willing to crawl over cut glass to get to His feet? My answer is yes. I am willing Lord. I am coming back to you, yet again, asking for yet another chance to live more like you would have me. Even if that means walking through the fire. If I keep my eyes on you, I can do it, no matter what life throws at me.

As the world turns

2005-04-04T16:05:00.000+02:00

lol No, this is not a post about soap operas. I haven't watched them things in about six years. Shortly after I was saved the Lord took that desire away from me. Thankfully!

No, it just sounded fitting for what I'm going through. I don't know if it's age related, my personality of never being able to stay with one thing consistently, or maybe it's my way of dealing with my husband being deployed and having minimal contact. But I find myself changing, yet again.

I used to LOVE webdesign. I used to LOVE graphics. Now I just have no desire for them at all. After school has been taught (I homeschool my children) and chores have been done, and we've all spent some time outside, I find myself kind of lost. I use to have a big list of 'to-do' projects. I would be off and on my computer until dinner time. But now I sit and just stare at it. I rarely e-mail anyone. I haven't made my own graphic in over a month.

Lately I've turned to music. My poor husband, I hijacked his computer and put over 300 songs on it. More than a gig worth. (That'll teach him for having a hard drive nearly twice the size of mine!) I turn up the music and just dance, sing, and generally make a fool out of myself. The great part is when my kids join in with me. The five of us dancing around the livingroom without worry of what we look like, or sound like. My baby especially has amazed me. Ever since she was tiny, if I was singing, she would 'sing' too. Plenty of times I'd be at church, we'd be singing and she'd sing with us. Everyone loved having her there and hearing her. Now that she can walk around, she's taken to dancing. My other kids danced too, but not like her. She really loves to do it and is so happy. I can't help but wonder how she's going to be when she's older. She just seems to have the love of music in her.

With my husband gone, I've found that I've been searching for something to call "mine". My children will always come first. But after bed time it's rather lonely here. Even with SL and an awesome friend that cares for me, and is always putting up with me. I just need to find something to keep me busy. Even doing things I've never thought I'd actually do. Gosh, I wish this next year would hurry up and speed by.

The Pope

2005-04-03T07:55:00.000+02:00

Well, I wasn't even going to touch this topic, but today's
Saturday Slant asked, and he made a good point in doing so. So many blogs are light, skim the surface type stuff. People seem afraid to dig deeper. I was afraid. I know exactly what I think about the Pope dying, but I've always been one to keep my thoughts to myself if I think it'll offend someone. Which, I'm sure I will. So, before you read any further, I'd like to call your attention to the little box to the left that says "this blog". If you get so irritated with me over this, feel free to leave it. If you'd like to inquire a little more, and can do it civily, then go ahead and ask a question in my comments.

Okay, so my reaction to all the hoopla about the pope dying. Woopdie stinkin doo. Yeah, you saw that right. Not that I celebrate his death, but I don't see him dying any more important than Terri Schiavo, Joe Blow, or the homeless man on the street. I would be more torn up over the death of a small child than the pope. And quite frankly I don't understand why everyone is so torn up. Yesterday a lady in game was explaining he needed to be made a saint. She explained that a saint is someone who performed miracles. It was all I could do to not say something. It really disgusts me, that the Catholic faith has been so successful in making "The Pope" seem like more than human. Along with all the "saints" of the past, they treat them as mini gods. Pray to them, that just baffles me.

The Bible has made it clear, we all have a direct link to God, and His name is JESUS. Not John, or Paul, or Mary, or Pope. Don't need to go spill your dirty secrets to some unseen man. No, you need to go to JESUS. Because that person you've called "father" that priest, he's no holier than you are. Every human on this earth is a dirty sinner. Yes, even me, even the Pope, and ready or not, even you. The Bible says everyone is a sinner, and NO ONE is worth heaven. Jesus said "I am the way", not a way.

Over the years the Catholic Church has proclaimed that the Pope is more authorative than the Bible, and that irks me too. There's no human on this earth that is more important than another. And I know some folks, that have done more work for God than the Pope in all his power, and their death will never make the nightly news. Because they are happy being humble, not being in the spot light, and just doing the work of God. And great will be their reward.

So, that's my thoughts on the death of the pope. If he really loved Jesus as he claimed he did, then he's in a happier place, and all his followers shouldn't be mourning, they should be celebrating. Then when they're done, they need to take a close look at their lives, and see if they're ready to die. Are you ready? If you died and God asked you "Why should I let you in?" what would you say to Him?

I know I'm ready. Are you?

Great start

2005-04-02T16:01:00.000+02:00

Well, I stayed up waaay to late, hosting Slingo with the best co-host out there. It was a blast. Even though she doesn't care for classic rock, I love it. Our conversations ranged from food to snip snip, and was just all over the spectrum. lol It was fun.
This morning I got up, and got busy around the house. It was a nice change from being chained down to the computer all day. I'm hoping tonight's gig will be as fun as the last.

Well, let's see.... I have a huge list of things that peeved me today. For one, I wish the family would spell my children's names right. I will be the first to admit, I am lousy when it comes to names. Unless you have some out of this world name, or the same name as someone else I know, I'm not gonna remember it. It's just that plain and simple. So I don't care if other people can't spell my children's names. Except for family. You'd think that every grandparent would know how to spell their grandchild's name.
Oh, and then my inlaws! Oh my goodness. That woman just continues to keep doing things to show that we're not important. Not only did she spell my baby's name wrong, but she got a birthday card. The card says something about a special girl, and then there's a place for you to write a special message. IT WAS BLANK! You know, I do not expect money, hell, I don't even expect that woman to send a card. But if you're going to send a card and sign your name, not even write happy birthday princess, or something to that matter. There is absolutely NO thought put into it. Yet she can spend two weekends a month with her husband's grandbaby that lives three hours away from her. Yet we lived fifteen minutes away for a year, and she didn't do a damn thing. Yeah, I'm a little upset. I would love nothing else than to get it off my chest and talk about it with her, but my husband has asked me not to, so I am respecting his wishes. I'll never understand how that man can pretend like nothing's wrong, when she's hurt him so bad.
Oh wow, this was supposed to be short! lol There goes that. Well, maybe tomorrow? Ha ha... probably not.

Temptation

2005-03-31T00:13:00.000+02:00

lol J- this is all your fault! lol Love ya tons because of it too!
See, my best gal there introduced me to an online game called Second Life. Now, if you don't need a new addiction, then don't try it!!!! Cause I'm telling you, there is something there for everyone! That game is so diverse and addicting it's not even funny! Well, right now what I enjoy most is just 'being' with other adults. With my husband gone, and my four children (all under seven) my only main company, well, yeah, I enjoy 'being' with adults. Even though some of them sure don't act like adults. Anyway, that's another post.
The last few days, one player and I have been getting to know each other. I'm looking for a 'job' so I can make some moolah. Yeah, I know, why would one want a 'job' in a game? Well, cause it's fun.
Anyways.... we got to talking, and next thing I know, he's hitting me up, asking me if I'd like to DJ. I was a bit surprised, flattered and scared. Of course, I turned it down. I have the voice of a five year old. Really, literally. lol I've answered the phone and had people ask if my mommy was home. I always tell them "I am the mommy." Yeah, it's a riot. Anyway, of course I said no. But that was just the answer I think I am supposed to give. Of course I went and visited their website to take a gander at the crew. And it got me thinking. Back in my TSO days I almost got involved with an online station. But I quit that game for various reasons. And then I had a flash back, I remember in school I wanted to be a DJ. In fact I did a report on how a DJ runs a station. I was all into it. No wonder it's a tempting fruit just hanging there to be picked. Normally I would have NO time for this. But my husband will be gone for the next 11 months, at least. And after bed time, it gets lonely here. Hmm.... I'll have to think about it.
Do I honestly think I'll try it out? Nope. Not me, I'm too chicken. Have you ever stepped out of your comfort zone? Well, since you're still living to tell about it, why don't ya tell us?

Either... Or

2005-03-30T08:18:00.000+02:00

This weeks Chick Chat.

1. Gap or Old Navy?: Don't really shop at either. Kardstadt is my favorite store here. Where else could you get an awesome leather jacket for $50? But, I would choose Old Navy.

2. McDonald's or Burger King?: Burger King, hands down, no doubt about it.

3. MTV or VH1?:Don't watch either, but I would choose VH1.

4. 90210 or Saved By The Bell?: :) I remember watching Saved by the Bell. Zack was sooooooooo cute. lol

5. Explorer or Netscape?: Explorer. Simply because it's on our system thanks to Windows. All though, my husband is a staunch hater of Microsoft. And I don't really blame him.

Let me count the ways

2005-03-29T13:42:00.000+02:00

Nope, not that I love thee, but how many ways today has just been completely screwed!
Well, it starts with my baby's Dr.'s appointment. You see, all of my children are always small. All four of them! Today was my baby's 1yr well baby check up. And because she's 'small', I now have to go jump through hoops at WIC. I HATE WIC. We were on that when I was pregnant with my first two. They were making me add things to my son's milk to 'fatten' him up. It never worked. And to this day he's the skinniest kid ever. That's because he takes after his daddy. Why won't the doctors stop expecting my children to be like everyone else. Take a look at their parents! I'm short and my husband is thin, duh! I mean, I can share a picture of my baby girl, she has a nice round tummy, she's NOT malnutritioned. Then we had to wait for her to get her shots, then we had to wait for the lab, then we had to wait for the pharmacy. Asking a six, five & three year old to wait for over an hour. Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
After that was going to get a new ID for me. Thankfully I was able to do that. Even though that required more waiting. Oh, then we had to go wait somewhere else, to put that new ID into the system so that I can get on base. Then we headed over to the post office, oh, and this is my all time favorite part.
They did not allow me to mail my package to my husband who is down range fighting for this damn forsaken country. And you'll never guess why. Not too big, not too heavy, not anything wrong with the contents. No, I couldn't mail it because of the stupid box it was in. My mother had mailed me some things a while back in a Priority Box. Well, I'm out of boxes, and it's the only one I have. I can't use it as it is to mail via Military Postal (MP) because it's marked priority. No big deal. I'll cover it up with brown paper and mail it. No, I can't do that either. I'm not allowed to use that box to mail MP no matter what. Why? "Because that box was not made for that purpose" What freaking gives? You're telling me I can't use a box that I received from my mother, because ya'll don't want me too? That is the most dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! And ofcorse there's no boxes of decent size to buy here because AAFES SUCKS. The only people around here that are worth the time of day are the 1st AD spouses. They got free trips, free movies, free boatloads of everything. The rest of us aren't worth crap because our husbands aren't apart of the 'elite'. Please! I guess they just don't give a freakin flip about us. I wanted to hit the roof. So now I'm in tears, because I can't mail my husband his stuff. My children are tired of the hours of waiting they've had to do. I'm just not very happy with life right now. I'm supposed to go set up for the women's study but my husband said he might call tonight. So we're not going any where. Knowing my luck, the phones will be down, and he won't be able to get through. The perfect ending to the not so perfect day.

Can I disappear now?

2005-03-29T01:41:00.000+02:00

I really wish sometimes you could just wave a magic wand and *poof* disappear. The last two days have been awful. My kids acting up and just being someone else's kids it seems. But you know what, I think it's my own darn fault. I'm "too busy" for them. After we do homeschool I'm always on the computer. Gotta design this, gotta draw that. Need to upload this, and edit that. Children need their mother, and just cause I'm home all day doesn't mean I'm 'being there' for them. I'm so stinking connected to our computers it's not funny. I need to stop. Time does not stand still. When my time here is done, am I going to regret that I didn't design one more graphic? No. I'm going to regret that I didn't spend more time with my children when they still wanted me too. That I didn't go out and play with them, but instead sat at the computer. I need to stop!!

I'm also afraid I did something to tick off a good friend of mine. We usually click so well it's hard when things don't exactly work out. We're not used to having something in between us. I hope we can talk about it and work it out. Thing is, I'm not even sure what I've done. But it must have been something. She doesn't usually get mad over nothing.

On a brighter note, I got an e-mail from my hubby. God, I miss him so much. We're only 1/12 of the way through this. There is such a long path ahead of us. And man I miss him so much.
Okay, so I've made myself cry now. Thoughts of loosing a friend and missing my husband. I really feel all alone here. I know God is with me though. Just waiting for me to come running to him. Why am I so thick headed? He's been waiting for me all the while. But I've told him no, and chose something worldly instead. I wonder if I'll ever learn. *sigh*

I'm here. Barely.

2005-03-28T08:24:00.000+02:00

I love my friend, I really, really do. But she got me in to SL, and now I can't tear myself away! lol What did you do to me Mia!!!!

Yesterday was my baby's birthday. It didn't exactly go smoothly, and given my husband's absence, I wasn't having the best day ever. The balloon place is out of helium. I wasn't to pleased. Balloons are a big deal to me. Growing up I always wanted balloons on my birthday. But never got them. Finally on my sweet 16 my parents let me have a real party with more than one friend over and I'll never forget the balloons. Who'd think that a 16yr old would get excited over six little purple latex balloons?

Well, that desire burned in me, and I always make sure my kids have one mylar, and some latex balloons done up in helium. I was about ready to cry walking out of there with no balloons in tow. It's not every day that your baby turns one.

But, she doesn't know the difference, and I just need to get over it. Besides, I think she enjoyed herself. You tell me if this is a happy girl.

Friday Feast

2005-03-25T16:34:00.000+01:00

Today's Friday Feast

Appetizer - What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
Oh, not even a slight, half a second hesitation on this one. I had to look it up because I forgot the title of it. gerry is 103 minutes of pure torture. I remember I saw this movie in the rental store. I hadn't heard of it before, but it had Matt Damon in it, and I'm a fan of his acting. Anyway, basically him and a friend get lost in the desert. And that's it. It is more than an hour of nothingness. And being that I was born and raised in the desert, I was yelling at the guys on the screen the whole dang time. I usually don't get irritated by holes and inconsistencies in movies, but this one had some so big I could drive my minivan through them. It was just the most boring, dumbest movie ever. Don't believe me? Well then waste your few bucks and rent it. Good luck staying awake!

Soup - Name something that reminds you of your childhood.
Hmm... this one isn't so easy for me.. I wouldn't say that I had a bad childhood, but just not very meaningful. I worked a lot with my dad and hated every minute of it. Now if you want to know of things that remind me of my teen years then that's easy. Race cars. I loved hanging out at the track. And it was fun being one of the few gals in the pits. But childhood? Nada.

Salad - If you had to live in a large city, which one would you want it to be?
First off, I hate big cities. My ideal place to settle down is Beaufort SC. Odds are, unless you live near there, you have never heard of it. I love little towns. But if I had to live in a big city I guess it would be Atlanta. Not sure why though.

Main Course - What's a "big word" you like to use to impress people?
ha ha ha. This one had me laughing for a long time. Big words? I don't know any. A very dear friend of mine was sharing a word a day type thing on her blog for a little while. She was trying to make me smart. lol Truth is, I don't remember any of them. The only "big word" I know is.....
Supercalifragalisticezpealidotious. And I highly doubt that I spelt it right. lol

Dessert - Describe your hairstyle.
Easy. Pulled back in a ponytail. For the last seven years I have always had at least one child under the age of two. So it's always been pulled back out of the reach of grabby little hands.

Thursday Threesome

2005-03-24T13:10:00.000+01:00

Today's Thursday Threesome
1. Wine or Beer? - I'd have to say none of the above. I'm really not much of a drinker at all. Kind of a shame, if I was I would greatly enjoy living in Germany much more.

2. What makes men tick? - Ha, ha, ha. One word, three letters. S-E-X At least that seems to be the rule of thumb anyway. I'm sure there's a few out there that are not the norm.

3. Favorite Song- Wow, this one is so hard. I've had so many different favorite songs. My favorite artists would be Third Day. I just love their sound.

So strong, so young

2005-03-22T20:13:00.000+01:00

Oh what a night tonight has been. We are one tired family, and when tired, it shows. My baby wouldn't stop crying so we left the bible study early. Not going to have a screaming kid in the room when someone is trying to preach. So, we went to pick up my oldest two from AWANA. My daughter's leader grabbed my hand and said "Oh, mom! There you are!" Turns out these last two AWANA nights my daughter has been having a difficult time. Usually it's my son with behavioral problems. Not my daughter. I suspected it's cause daddy's gone.
So tonight after bedtime prayers. I tell her to wait in the living room for me. I sat her on my lap, and we had a talk. She doesn't like to talk to me for some reason. I didn't have a mom growing up, so I don't know if this is normal or not. But she doesn't like to come to me and open up. So I asked her questions, and she was trying so hard to be strong and not cry. She misses her daddy so much, her heart is breaking. And mine is breaking too because I can't fix the hurt. Scary thing is, I see her doing that and it reminds me of me. I never allowed myself to be seen crying either. Had to be strong, even at so young.

Longing for the old days.

2005-03-20T22:09:00.000+01:00

Today I picked up a DVD recorder to add to our wire zoo that is our entertainment center. It took me three tries to get all of our components hooked up to work completely.
The reason for wrestling with wires is I hope to get our old VHS home movies on to DVD. Thing is, nearly four years ago, our life got quite chaotic. There was so much involved, but that's another post. The point is, I have so many unlabeled tapes, just thrown in a box.
So, I'm watching the tapes and making notes of what's on what tape so that I can put them in some sort of chronological order. Most of the film I've watched so far is from just after the birth of my second child. Watching these has brought a tear to my eye. Life was so simple back then, so relaxed. We had a good church that we BOTH were going to. My husband wasn't stressed out and really enjoyed playing with our two little ones. Having a three year old and an 18mo old was so much easier parenting. We had a nice house with a yard and a washer & dryer. Even a garage and a back porch too. This was before the movers lost all my special pictures and frames & my Jesus night light. Back before I knew the cold ugly truth about my in-laws. I so miss those days.
Watching my oldest two at such a young age, I feel like I missed out on it. I don't remember taking time to truly appreciate them. I was always in a hurry for them to reach the next milestone. Makes me think of my now three year old. See, he was born on the September 11th. My husband was in the Marine Corps at the time, and our whole life changed. Our life was so hectic and confusing his first year on this earth. I didn't take as many pictures, hardly any video. When he gets older, I fear that he'll see that as us not loving him as much.
I love all of my children. I wish so much I could be a better mother for them. So often my patience is thin, and I yell way too much. I so wish I could go back, and do things over. But who knows, the Marines have bore the brunt of the deaths in Iraq. If my family didn't go through that year of hell, would I even have my husband or my baby? Maybe not.

World's Worst Boss

2005-03-20T06:17:00.000+01:00

Today's Saturday Slant asks about the worse boss you've ever worked for. Oh my goodness I did not have to think about this at all. Immediately his face pops in my head. Has it really been nine years since I quit that place? Wow.

At first I thought the job was heaven sent. I was 18, newly married, fresh out of highschool, in a brand new town. I needed a job. But the little rinky dink desert town didn't seem to be hiring. One day I stop at Brake Masters to get the brakes on my jalopy checked out. I don't know how it came up, but it came up, and they needed a secretary. I'm one of them odd women that actually knows a thing or two about cars. (Oh that brings back great memories of auto mechanics class and the local track! But that's another entry.) Working with people and cars, it was right up my alley!

But it sure didn't take long to find out why that man needed a secretary. Nothing you did was ever good enough. Nothing! And he was not afraid to yell at you either. If you were gone for lunch almost thirty minutes, he'd run over to the clock to look at your time card. If you were late by just one minute, he'd give you a good lecture. The only reason he had mechanics was because they were all illegal immigrants that needed a job. Only one man was legit and shortly after I left, I came across him working at a dealership. Yeah, he got out of there too.

But then it got worse. He started having me come in at 5am to get a new computer system up. But he wouldn't let me just do it. He had to be by my side every stinking minute. I couldn't help but wonder why on earth he had me working 10 hour days when he was there anyway, he should have done it himself! Oh, and with such long days, you better not get one minute of over time, or your fired. I remember working when not punched in. What can I say, I was 18, didn't know any better.

Then the day came. The day that broke the camel's back. The phone rings. I politely pick up the receiver and do my speal. "Hello, thank you for calling Break Masters. How can I help you?" You know what he did? He laid into me! He was livid, and even with customers in the room, he laid into me. "Don't say that when you answer the phone. All you need to say is 'Hi, Brake Masters', that's it! You're wasting my time, your wasting their time by taking so damn long to answer the phone!"

At first I sat there just stunned. Then it hit me. I had to leave. There was no way I was going to subject myself to continuing humiliation. I told him if he didn't like how I answered the phone, then he could do it his damn self and walked out. I was shaking and scared. I thought my new husband was going to be so mad at me for quitting. It took me two months to find that job would I ever find another? Thank heavens when I told my husband what had happened he said "Good! I never liked you working for that man anyway."

Sometimes I wonder how on earth that man stayed in business. But then I remember, his employees were all illegal to work in the country, and the town was so small there was no place else for the people to take their cars. Yeah, he was sitting pretty. I can't help but wonder who else he's tormented, and if he's even in business now.

Oh, by the way, the Brake Masters are all franchises meaning they're each independently ran, so this is not anything about that company. Just that one boss. Now I need to get this off of my mind! I'll be simmering with that thought in my head all day. Oh, I know! I'll think about that Auto Mechanics class I mentioned. Yeah! :)

Anniversary like no other

2005-03-19T17:44:00.000+01:00

Two years. Wow, has it really been two years ago tonight? I'll never forget where I was when President Bush came on TV announcing the ground war had begun. I was sitting in our over priced, tiny apartment in the slumps. My husband was across the nation preparing to become a helicopter pilot. I sat on the living room floor with my then three small children all around me. I couldn't take my eyes off of the TV. Our tv which had only seen PBS cartoons for the last month or so now had grown up news on the screen.
Wow, what a two years it has been. We've found out that our 'intelligence' wasn't all that intelligent. Things just haven't gone as planned. Now two years later, there are military families all around the world that have had to grieve the loss of their loved ones. I have so far, remained one of the lucky ones. My husband is still breathing, as far as I know. You never know what tomorrow will bring. But to so many the past two years have brought pain. Great pain, and loneliness. Even if their loved one hasn't died, most anyone married to the military has had at least a year separation. And as I know, it isn't easy. I feel for every family out there that has been personally affected by this war. This is one anniversary I never intended to see.

:: Rocks & Garbage ::

2005-03-19T11:54:00.000+01:00

:: Two Soldiers::

Okay, so my baby's sick today. It's been a long time since I've had the privilege of getting thrown up on. Yeah, it's nice.
So, I'm holding her all day, and what else to do but go blog hoppin. I come across this, and it was just so touching. I wanted to share it. I don't really have many words about it, as I don't think anything I say could do it justice.

2005-03-18T21:44:00.000+01:00

The silent tears roll down my cheek. Another time alone. I'm not sure why I let myself do this. Perhaps I want to be prepared for what is yet to come.
I've always cried alone. Curled up in a corner of a room. Always hiding my pain, because I'm supposed to be immune.
Immune to the loneliness. Immune to the fear. I've been through heart break, I've been through hell.
But what fills me with fear is the possibility of what is to come.
Am I going to be one of the 'unlucky'? Left to find my way through life alone.
Oh God, I know you're always with me. I know you're here every step of the way. But please God, don't take him away. I've cried, I've complained. I've even been weak and wished he'd go away. But if you take him, I'm not sure how I'll survive.
You've given us four blessings. These boys need their daddy so. No matter how hard I try, I'll never make the grade.
God, please tonight I pray. I pray for his safety. I pray for my peace of mind. It's so hard being strong. No one wants to hear the truth. The truth that I hurt. But Lord, you gave me this soul. And you know what is best. Lord I pray I'll learn to lean on you, to get me through the nightmares. Lord wrap your arms around me. May I feel your embrace. And Lord, please don't let them come true.

My new favorite movie.

2005-03-18T15:32:00.000+01:00

Yesterday we were at the rental store, and I saw The Incredibles. I hadn't
planned on buying it, but I ended up buying it.
Today has been, well, I wouldn't name it hell, cause I've had worse days. But today hasn't been much fun. My oldest two won't quit fighting. I'm ready to put them in their rooms for the rest of the day. My three year old refuses to be potty trained. And my baby is cranky, and wanting me to walk with her all the time. Bless her heart, I love her, but there's only so much time I can stand being a walking crutch. So I throw in the movie just to give something to distract them. There's the scene where they're all at the dinner table, and the two kids start fighting. The boy runs circles around the table hitting his sister on his way by, till she finally gets enough and puts up a force field. I just couldn't help but bust out laughing. I guess I should be thankful that we're not a 'super' family. Now little dweeb boss is about to go through several walls. lol Love it!

Chick Chat

2005-03-18T12:02:00.000+01:00

Well, today's Friday Feast Muse is sick, so I figured I'd do the last Chick Chat that I missed.

1. Ever Laughed So Hard You Peed Your Pants?:
lol Unfortunately, yes.

2. Do You Talk In Your Sleep?: Every now and then. So I'm told anyway.

3. How Much Wood Would A Wood Chuck, Chuck?: A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck.

4. Do You Sleep Walk?: Nope.

5. What Was Your Favorite Game As A Child?: This is hard. I was an only child, so didn't have no one to play with. Yeah! Take pity on me now! :)

Now THAT's better!

2005-03-18T09:41:00.000+01:00

Well lookie what I stayed up till after 1am doing and finished this morning.
Finally, a template that's not so stinking ugly.
Can't believe I spent my whole morning working on this thing. Now I need to
get off of here and go homeschool my kids.
Hip-hip-hooray!

Shall we get started?

2005-03-17T22:52:00.000+01:00

So, shall I get started? First I'd like to ask, can the blog templates Blogger makes available get any uglier? I mean gee whiz! But hey, I guess that's what you get for free. I may look around for another site to go through. But that will have to wait for another day.

So, why am I here? Well, I need a place to express myself. And following in my good friend's shoes, I'm giving this a try. See, I have another journal I keep online. But that has been openly shared with family. And it's not like I lie there. I have this big thing with lieing, I hate it, and I can't do it. But I don't fully express myself there. When my son told me he wished Daddy was home and I was gone forever. Did I put that on there? Hell no. Don't need family worrying about me.

So that's where this place comes into play. Here, I'm me. If family comes across it, then well be it. But I highly doubt that will happen. I mean, hardly anyone looks at the one I did tell them about. I so hate that. They mail me asking me questions that have been already answered on my journal that I told them to go read. But hey. What can I say? I come from a lazy family.

One more thing. Yes, I am Born Again, and yes, I am a Christian. So you're not likely to catch any cussing and sorts going on here. But I am human also. And I fail, just like anybody else. Please don't judge Christ by what you see here. Judge me if it makes you happy. But not my Savior. As the song goes, "If you're looking to me, I'll only let you down."

Well, I suppose that's long enough for now. Welcome to my private beach.